Eleven: Q&A on The State of Affairs, with Esther Perel - Why People Cheat | Goop

Fresh out of discovering an affair was like having the wind knocked out of me. So reading Esther Perel who - without judgement- looks at sex, intimacy, attraction, in/fidelity, and affairs as something that holds information about ourselves and our relationships, and something worthy of dissection- was hard. Really hard. It was like ripping a bandage off of a still-fresh wound. That year of the earthquake, tsunami, and meltdown, I desperately wanted every therapist and expert to validate my feelings of hurt and unworthiness, and to tell me what I wanted to hear. But discovering Esther's take on infidelity, I started to see some truth in the findings from her dissections- that there is nothing to judge. They were just pointers to preexisting conditions.

Seeing affairs the way Esther sees it helped me to move through the events and the emotions associated with them: to be brought to the crime scene to identify the cadaver of my marriage- to letting go, and to prepare the body for it to go back to dust. From resentment to acceptance. In my case, the body was dead, both the brain and the heart. Too late for resuscitation, no one wanted any hooking up to machines or oxygen. I could finally accept it was time for the wake, the funeral. And my life after this.

There is a new book out. I'm curious as to how it will read, now with time, healing, and a sort of newfound friendship and familyship with my exhusband. If you're still with fresh wounds, give it a try. When nothing seems to make sense, non-judgement is a great way to take the cloud out of things. It may not make things clear, per se, but there is a logic. And there is a strange kindness to logic. It cuts through the pain of everything that makes no sense. It takes labels and "shoulds" off of everything. It lays everything bare, so that we can just breathe, and be.